Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
