Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
