Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
