I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
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