Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
