the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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