if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
