i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
