Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
