I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
