you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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