I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
