Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
