i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
