hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
