Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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