Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Randomize