just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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