Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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