She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
