I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
