i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize