Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
