Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
