I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Randomize
