it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
