I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
