I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Randomize
