I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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