my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
