i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
