you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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