I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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