I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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