cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize