My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Randomize
