I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
