"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Welp...herpes.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
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