everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
