Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just found puke in my bra..
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
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