i don't like sucking hair
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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