Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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