dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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