I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Threesome in a minivan. New low
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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