Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
