I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
