I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
