Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
