Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
