I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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