Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
