Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
