Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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