So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
